Sleepless on Hammersley
by MM-UP
Summary: Collection of drabbles: Some people on a certain Royal Australian Navy patrol boat can't sleep. My very first fanfic.
1. Nav & Kate

**Sleepless on Hammersley**

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Sea Patrol.

**A/N:** Rewiews appreciated, but please be nice, it's my very first fanfic :).

* * *

Chapter 1 - inspired by ET's letter to Nav from ep. 3x01-

_Five-year-old Kate McGregor was taking a walk through the forest with her parents. Somewhere in the distance, they heard the sound of a power saw._

Lieutenant Kate "XO" McGregor woke up. _Now stop dreaming nonsense already!,_ she told herself._ You're on a ship in the middle of the ocean, there's definitely no forest around! The power saw though..._

Suddenly the sawing stopped. It was replaced by the sound of rustling bedsheets, then Lieutenant Nikki "Nav" Caetano climbed down from her rack and disappeared into the bathroom.

When she returned a few minutes later, Kate was half asleep and didn't hear Nikki- until the Navigator started "sawing" again. Kate was fully awake in a second, trying her best not to yell some chosen four-letter words at the upper rack. _I need something to block my ears, _she thought.

* * *

The next morning, Kate was five minutes late for her watch. Removing all the toilet paper from her ears had taken more time than she'd expected.


	2. Bomber & Bird

**Sleepless on Hammersley**

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Sea Patrol.

**A/N:** Rewiews appreciated, but please be nice, it's my very first fanfic :).

* * *

Chapter 2- set in Season 4 after "Crocodile Tears"

It was long after midnight, but Jessica Bird was wide awake.

"Bomber?", she whispered into the darkness.

"Yeah?", came her cabin mate's reply.

"Sorry, but I can't sleep", Bird explained.

Able Seaman Rebecca "Bomber" Brown yawned. "It's okay. Wanna come up here?"

A few seconds later, they were sitting next to each other on the upper rack.

"So Bird, what's keepin' you awake?", Bomber wanted to know.

"Well, this morning, I saw the X, uhm, throwing up into the toilet and I don't know if I should tell Swaino... I mean if she wasn't feeling well, she'd go see him herself, wouldnt she? Maybe she's eaten something bad- OUCH!"

"Sshhh!", Bomber hissed.

"Then stop punching my ribs!", Bird hissed back. "I didn't say she's eaten something bad from your galley! We don't know what she ate during last shore leave, for example."

"Shore leave... That's it Bird!", Bomber whispered excitedly. "She's pregant!"

No reaction.

"Bird?"

But Jessica was fast asleep or at least successfully pretending to be.

* * *

The next morning, Leo "2Dads" Kosov-Meyer snuck into the cabin. His plan was to wake Bird by placing a rubber jellyfish on her face.

But instead he found himself running away from a very angry Bomber and thus learned an important lesson:

If you want to survive aboard a ship, never mess with the chef.


	3. Buffer & Charge

Chapter 3

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own Sea Patrol.

**A/N:** I don't remember the exact episode, but somewhere in the series, Charge started doing yoga :).

* * *

Petty Officer Bosun Pete "Buffer" Tomaszewski woke up in the middle of the night, not really being able to name a reason why. _Maybe going to the bathroom will help,_ he thought.

When he returned to his cabin a few minutes later, he noticed that the rack below his was empty. _Where's Charge?_, Buffer wondered. He wasn't particulary worried- Chief Petty Officer Andy "Charge" Thorpe had been on Hammersley for quite some time, so he was unlikely to get lost. _I'll look for him, just to make sure he's okay,_ Buffer decided._ This ship isn't that big, it won't take much time to find a missing person._

20 minutes later, Buffer realized that he'd been wrong. Charge was neither in the engine room nor in the galley nor on the bridge, and the sailors on the bridge hadn't seen the engineer fall over board either- in the words of Seaman Billy "Spider" Webb: "Nah Buff, Charge falling off the ship'd make so much noise we'd definitely hear it."

Buffer silently agreed, Charge was indeed a little, uhm, overweight. "Well, wherever he is, I'm sure he'll find the way back to his rack. I'll try to catch some sleep now."

On the way to his cabin, Buffer passed by the wardroom. Instinct made him open the door... And there was Charge, sitting on the floor with his eyes closed and his legs in a position that could be best described as pretzel-like.

"Charge?", Buffer whispered. The engineer's eyes jerked open and he jumped up- well, he tried to, but fell back on the floor.

"Maybe you should sort your legs first", Buffer suggested. "And what are you doin' there, anyway?"

"It's called yoga", Charge explained. "Good for losing weight."

Buffer snorted. "Yeah, sure. If you wanna lose weight, we can do some real training together. This yogurt thingy won't help."

"You never know if you don't try Buff. Come on, sit down!"

Feeling a little stupid, Buffer sat down next to Charge and tried to bring his own legs into that pretzel position. "How the heck do you do that?", he asked after his third (unsuccessful) attempt. Charge shrugged. "Lots of practice, I guess. Anyway, I'm done now, I'm going to sleep." With that, he left the room.

* * *

The next morning, Spider poked his head into the wardroom. "Hey Swaino, want some coffee?" Then he spotted Buffer. "Mornin' Buff, why're ya sittin' on the floor?"

"Just get me Swain, okay?"

"Okay..." Spider left.

The first thing Buffer said when Swain arrived was, "I'd never have thought that yoga was real sports- ouch."

* * *

When Buffer was transferred to another ship some time later, "I'd never have thought that yoga was real sports", remained one of the most popular quotes aboard Hammersley.

* * *

**A/N:** Phew, my longest chapter so far :).


	4. Spider & Chefo

Chapter 4

**A/N: **Less than two weeks after joining the Hammersley crew, Billy "Spider" Webb managed to get himself in the wardroom with a concussion.

* * *

"Spider! Come on, wake up!"

"Wha..." Seaman Billy "Spider" Webb opened his eyes. "Where... where'm I? My head hurts."

"You're in the wardroom, and your head hurts 'cause you whacked it against the heating pipe above your rack", replied a voice nearby. Spider recognized it: "Swaino? That you?"

Petty Officer Chris "Swain" Blake nodded. "D'you remember what happened?"

Spider tried to concentrate, which wasn't easy due to his terrible headache. "Not really. I remember bein' in that pub with some of the guys, but that's it."

"Well, after that Buffer and I dragged you back to the ship. You were too drunk to walk on your own."

Spider made a face. "I'm not sure I wanna hear the rest of it Chefo..."

A smirk appeared on the face of Able Seaman Toby "Chefo" Jones. "Don't worry, you didn't throw up or somethin' like that... Anyway, we put you into your rack so you could sleep it off. Problem was that you didn't sleep."

_Oh-oh,_ Spider thought. "Then what did I do?"

"Sure you wanna know it?", Chefo teased, still smirking. "Well in that case... You started singing."

Ignoring Spider's bright red face, Chefo went on: "It wasn't that bad, actually. Just a little too loud, so Buff and I tried to shush you before anyone else woke up."

"And... did I stop?" Spider's voice was only a whisper.

"Only when Buff put his hand over your mouth, which unfortunately made you jump up in shock so your head hit that heatin' pipe and you passed out."

Spider groaned. "I'm _so _dead."

"Oh, it's just a concussion", Swain tried to calm the younger sailor down. "You'll be fine in a few days."

"He wants to say that all the crew will tease him about it Swaino", Chefo explained. "I mean, a sailor who can't even handle a little tequila..."

* * *

The next morning, Spider made a vow to himself to never drink alcohol again. However at Chefo's stag night just a few weeks later, a drunken Spider dressed up as Hammersley's XO Lieutenant Kate McGregor was caught on videotape...

* * *

**A/N:** ... which is why Spider was almost kicked out of the Navy- watch episode 1x08, "Through the Storm". And when you're done, please review this story :).


	5. RO & ET

**A/N:** This one's a little supernatural and contains spoilers for the episodes after 3x01.

* * *

"RO? Robert?"

_Oh great, I'm hearing voices inside my head,_ Leading Seaman Robert "RO" Dixon thought.

"Who's there?", he asked, despite feeling really stupid talking to a voice inside his head.

"Open your eyes and you'll see"_, _came the reply.

_If you are God or someone like that, get out of my head!, _RO thought, but opened his eyes anyway.

He was sitting on his rack in his cabin aboard HMAS Hammersley. And on the chair right opposite to him, there was... "ET?"

Leading Seaman Josh "ET" Holiday grinned. "Yep."

"So... am I dead?", RO wanted to know. "Because you're dead and I can see you..."

"Oh no, you're still alive. I'm a memory", ET explained.

"A memory? You mean, like a ghost?" RO mentally slapped himself for that question._ Ghosts don't exist, Robert. Neither do elfs, fairies, orks and all that stuff._

"No, a memory can sneak into people's dreams. Ghosts can't do that."

RO snorted. "Sure. And what exactly are you doing in my dream?"

"Well, that was a little miscalculation", ET admitted. "I was trying to get into Nikki's dream. At least I managed to get into the right place, and since this ship is moving, that wasn't easy..."

"Yeah, well done", RO cut him off. "But if you're talking about Lieutenant Nikki 'Nav' Caetano, this ship isn't the right place. Nav resigned some time after you died."

"Oh..." There was a pause. Then RO asked:

"So, have you tried to reach her at her home?"

ET nodded. "But her neighbour has this huge plasma TV screen."

"So what?"

"Seems like plasma TVs produce some kind of radiation which can kill memories."

"But you are already dead", RO stated the obvious.

"Oh thanks Robot, I hadn't noticed. That stupid TV radiation nearly blew me to pieces!"

"That'd be Robert", RO automatically shot back while thinking,

_Josh 'ET' Holiday, just as arrogant in death as he was in life._

"Would you please leave now? My watch starts in two hours and I'd like to get some sleep", he added aloud.

"Well Robot, you are sleeping. You're dreaming about me", ET reminded him.

"It's ROBERT! Not Robot!", RO yelled.

"Hey, calm down, I won't call ya Robot anymore", said a voice._ Not ET..._

* * *

RO opened his eyes. He was indeed in his cabin on Hammersley, but ET was gone. Instead, he was looking in the face of his cabin mate Leading Seaman Leo "2Dads" Kosov-Meyer.

"RO? You alright?", the other sailor asked.

"Yes 2Dads, I'm fine, it was just a dream." With that, RO turned to face the wall and closed his eyes again.

"Okay..." Shrugging, 2Dads went back to sleep as well.

* * *

RO usually coldn't remember his dreams when he woke up, but the next morning, he would've been able to tell every single detail of his dream about ET.

_I won't tell anyone, though,_ he decided._ The others have already invented enough nicknames for me, I don't need them calling me _Ghostbuster _or something like that._


	6. Mike & 2Dads

Chapter 6

**Rating:** Gone up to K+ for some swearing

**Spoilers: **Only if you haven't watched Season 5 yet.

**A/N: **I don't know if Australians really celebrate Fool's Day (April 1rst), but in this story they do :).

* * *

It was twenty minutes before midnight on the bridge of HMAS Hammersley. The sea was calm, the patrol boat was the only ship in the area (at least according to its radar) and there weren't any mayday calls- in brief, it was a boring night just like many others on patrol in Australian waters.

Ryan White was staring out of the bridge window, trying not to fall asleep. After finishing school, he had recently joined the Hammersley crew. He liked life aboard (especially if one Seaman Jessica Bird was around), but the nights when he was on duty watch and absolutely nothing happened...

* * *

Suddenly Ryan felt someone nudge his shoulder from behind. He turned around to see Leading Seaman Leo '2Dads' Kosov-Meyer standing there with a smirk on his face.

"Hey 2Dads, what's up?", Ryan greeted him.

"I can't tell ya in here!", 2Dads whispered back and left the bridge. Ryan sighed. "Dutchy? I'm going to the bathroom, will be back in five minutes."

Petty Officer Dylan 'Dutchy' Mulholland nodded: "Hurry up, okay?"

"Sure Dutchy." Ryan left and found 2Dads waiting for him in front of the door. "So what was so important that you couldn't tell me in there?", he asked quietly.

"This." 2Dads held up his mobile. _March 31, 2342, _it said on the screen. Ryan shrugged: "So what? 18 minutes till midnight."

"18 minutes till the first of April!", 2Dads corrected him. "Fool's Day!"

"Oh, yeah, right. And who d'you wanna fool?"

"Well, I was thinking about the CO..."

Ryan fought hard to hold back a gasp. "You can't do that! You wanna be kicked out of the Navy?"

"Hey, I won't throw a stink bomb into his cabin or somethin' like that... Just wake him up for his watch, which starts in"- he checked his mobile- "15 minutes exactly. You're in?"

* * *

Ryan thought about it for a moment. "How d'you wanna wake him up?"

"By telling him the ship's sinkin'."

"Yeah, sure. He'll never believe you."

"Maybe, but he'll believe **you**."

Ryan crossed his arms over his chest. "You want me to sneak into the CO's cabin, wake him up and tell him Hammersley's sinking? No fuckin' way."

"No, I'll be the one sneakin' into his cabin. You'll be the first person he'll see outside and ask if the ship's really sinking, and your answer will be..."

"... no sir, that was just a bad Fool's Day joke?"

2Dads frowned. "Come on Ry! Have a little fun while you're young!"

"You're not really much older than me 2Dads."

"And that's why I wanna have fun, too. Come on!" Before Ryan could protest, the older sailor dragged him along to the door with the sign saying, _CO cabin._

"Ready?", he whispered when they had arrived. Ryan sighed. "Yeah."

"Okay". 2Dads quietly opened the door and slipped into the room.

* * *

Commander Mike Flynn had served on many different ships during his time in the Navy and thus experienced many Fool's Days aboard. After being woken up by a living jellyfish (no poisonous one, fortunately) placed on his face, he had made it a habit to put a metal bucket of water right in the doorway on the night before April 1rst. Potential intruders would stumble over it and the falling bucket (not to mention the intruder's swearing) would be loud enough to wake Mike.

This method had already worked several times and tonight was no exception: 2Dads' foot hit the bucket and the bucket hit the floor with a loud clatter. Mike opened his eyes and saw someone standing in the doorway. "Who's there?", he asked, even though he was pretty sure who it was: _Leading Seaman Leo Kosov-Meyer. We should call him Troublemaker instead of 2Dads._

The intruder switched the light on and Mike saw that his suspicion had been correct: The person balancing on one leg next to the door was indeed the blond Leading Seaman.

"What's the matter 2Dads?", Mike asked all innocently.

"Uhm, well, I wanted to wake ya for your watch boss. It's ten minutes till midnight", 2Dads explained.

"Oh, thank you very much. Why are you standing on one leg, by the way?"

"You, um, left that bucket on the floor and I hit it with my foot when I came in." _Damn, someone must've told him about my plan! And then he placed that freakin' bucket_ _there for me to stumble over so that he'd wake up before I could play my trick on him._

"I'm sorry. Does your foot still hurt? Should Swaino take a look at it?" _I think he's fine, but it'll teach him not to play tricks on officers._

2Dads carefully placed his foot back on the floor. "No, it's okay. Can I leave now?"

* * *

Mike nodded and 2Dads left the cabin. The first person he met outside was Ryan.

"Hey, where's the boss?", the boy asked.

"Someone rat on us", 2Dads growled. "Boss was prepared, put a metal bucket of water right in the doorway. I fell over it and he woke up."

"Oh shit." Ryan yawned. "D'you mind if I go to sleep now? I'm really tired." He left.

* * *

The next morning, 2Dads found a post-it note attached to the inside of his cabin door. It read:

2Dads,

I don't want to know what kind of joke last night was supposed to be. But I do want you to know that years of experience in the Navy have taught me to be prepared for almost everything. So if you're already thinking about another joke, remember:

I'm prepared and Hammersley has many toilets that need cleaning.

Sincerely, CO

_As if that'd stop me,_ 2Dads thought. _Well, maybe it will... One day when the're enough others to take over..._


End file.
